May 29

Dating, Hookups and Ex-cess

 

How’s it going, gang? I usually stick to the podcasting and schtick, but when I write something it’s safe to say that I’ve got something on my mind. Something that is grinding my gears. The following will describe things I’ve been dealing with over the last two years.

 

Dating

 

I am single. I’m a non-monogamous man. In that lack of monogamy, I’ve discovered so much about myself as far as sexuality, communication, and event how I think. This has been a great adventure to learn more about myself. I like facets of entertaining multiple women and/or spending the majority of my time with one. In dating, I’m more picky as to who’s worth my time or energy, whereas before, I someone like me, in many instances, I felt like it’s impolite to not date them. Idiot.

 

I don’t have that fear of monogamy. During the aforementioned period, I’ve considered dating, honestly venturing back into monogamy with a few women. I actually dated one and it was cool. She moved to another country and I was fine with that. It was more of a clean break and I didn’t feel like I was left “holding the bag”. Yes, I compared breakups to bank robberies here. Someone, whether it’s divorce or a relationship ending, is spending more unjustly.

 

As I said before I learned a lot. Some through self-discovery and some through therapy. I know I was profoundly influenced by how people perceived me. Overly image conscious and tried to give people version of me I thought they wanted. That prevented me from connecting. Now I’m more of a take or leave kind of lad. I know I’m not the most emotionally open individual, so if that’s what a woman wants from me she’ll have to be around for a while. I’m not an open book but I am thoughtful, empathetic and a genuine man. I try to practice the approach of “non-bullshit” and “neutrality” when it comes to sticky situations like dating and hookups. I’ve also got into my more adventurous side, my creative side and being more confident. I’ve developed an interest in bondage. I write more (I’m unsure if I’ve gotten better at it). I can confidently say I’m the shit – insofar, I am more body positive when it comes to myself. I used to have some much shame on my body from being overweight to how big my cock is. This period of being single allowed me to meet me. I like me, he’s a cook sumbitch.

 

Hookups

 

Segue, motherfucker, Segue. We live in a hookup culture. I am late to this as I was a monogamous man for about 10 years. I was that guy who did everything for his girlfriend. I put the pussy on a pedestal instead of the chain wax. Ha. I lived in a symbiotic relationship and was happy with it. Never cheated nor had many arguments. Each relationship resulted in me having a broken heart after being cheated on.

Once I discovered hookups as a supplement to dating, I’ve developed a preference for it. Not in a typical, “of course you would, all men love sex”. It’s moreso a position of variety. I want to develop meaningful relationships – yes, hookups are a form of a relationship. It’s a mutual thing for both or multiple parties that have to be managed much like a traditional “relationship” relationship.

Hookups do have pitfalls because feelings can and will get involved. Hookups, also, are a “relationship at will” to the fullest degree. I think all relationships are at will but hookup oriented relationship lacks the connection which allows them to be easily moved on from. Hookups are a confidence booster at times. I’ve gotten some of the most interesting, albeit possibly disingenuous compliments, about my “sex game” than I ever got in my longest relationship. Which brings me to…

 

Ex-cess

 

I call this “Ex-cess” because one must experience the cessation of talking, communicating or attempting to be friends with your ex. I’ve made this mistake. I know it’s something that we’re conditioned to not do and I shouldn’t have done it but as I said earlier I had to learn things on my own. Further, I am a motherfucking rebel. So, I didn’t talk to my last ex for the better part of a year. She moved away, we tried and LTR but it failed when she cheated. She, or which I learned recently her current boyfriend, would send me little mean, childish messages challenging my manhood and such. It bugged me but I ignored them. Until one day, recently, she contacted me with the desire to talk and absolve herself of guilt. She told me things that I knew and I forgave her.

Actually, I forgave her once she revealed she cheated. I don’t hold grudges for decisions someone makes even when it hurts me. It pissed me off, hurt me but I didn’t hate her. She appeared to not have much faith in her relationship and would talk to me. She claimed to have missed that. I obliged because honestl,y it was good to talk to her. As we’re talking it seems that we could manage an actual friendship. There were no hard feelings and we determined that distanced fucked our relationship up. They there’d be periods where she’d use her boyfriend as her out. She’s want to restrict conversation because her boyfriend, who seems very insecure, would catch feelings.

Yesterday, we chatted about the idea of seeing each other this Summer, nothing nefarious, maybe grab lunch. She was down for the idea and seemed happy that I’d even do it. Then hours later, “I can’t see you, don’t come, it wouldn’t be right.” Her rationale seemed so codependent and looking for the approval of this dude. I attempted to appeal to her logically but eventuall,y I gave up with a “fine”. I had no juice for it. I was reserved to the idea of seeing her, not to win her heart back. I wonder what her intentions were. Would she want me to try that? Where her intentions impure? Who knows? But this scenario has taught me to cease talking. What’s the point?

 

If you took anything out of this message here, reply back and I’d love to know your thoughts.

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March 25

Mastermind Team’s Robcast 107 | The Grody Verses

An episode where Baltimore jobs, charities, and burgers are discussed by the legendary duo, Rob Lee & Dann D.

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March 4

Mastermind Team’s Robcast 105 | Get On The Stroll

An episode where penis vandalism, girlfriend apps and marrying dead fiancees are discussed by the legendary duo, Rob Lee & Dann D.

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February 11

Mastermind Team’s Robcast 103 | Dann’s Coming For You, Kirkman

An episode where the legendary duo produces something for the ladies, masturbatory arsonists, Robert Kirkman and ninja rap.

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December 31

Totally Beleavable

Rob Lee

Clearly “beleavable” is spelled incorrectly (word dicks), but there is a meaning in this error. I’ve been pondering what makes dating/relationships fail. It’s not infidelity, hell in my case, I don’t cheat. Cheating is horrible and it leaves scars on the victim. People leave/break-up/disappear because the person they are with is leavable.

Leavable

Someone being loveable enough to catch a person’s eye, to maintain their interest, develop familiarity outside of a purely physical interest. The leavable part here relates to staying power. Is that loveable person great enough to stay around? People change their minds and I get that. People change their minds every day. However, it’s a hold or a grip that’s not there which makes a person leavable.  Those same qualities – your weird tastes, personality, goals, and interests – are what sets you aside from any other courters but when you’re deemed leavable in your partner’s eye, those qualities are a repellant, a detriment.

In Practice

The leavable distinction can happen for any reason but regardless of the partner’s unspoken goal is to inform you, for nebulous reasons, that you are not it. While the expectation is for you, blindsided, to accept this and take the fallback option of being a “friend”. Are you high? How could one be friends with a person who suddenly finds them unsavory for being themselves? How were we hanging and banging just a week ago in a cavalier way and now, you’ve done some soul searching to conclude that your life is so hectic that you can only be “friends”?  How do one’s feelings transfer from hot to cold so quickly – like from the broiler to the blast chiller? It’s because that person is no longer a FEELING. The person is THINKING.

I am a huge advocate for two ways of thinking in most instances: belief that grey area usually exists and the logical thinking takes precedence. In dating, regardless of how hard one tries, emotions take precedence. That’s fine. When someone is deemed leavable in any form of a relationship – whether it’s hanging & banging, dating or marriage – emotions aren’t as involved and logic is at the forefront. The emotions are used as an excuse because one can’t question emotions – it’s a quandary. One starts taking time to think and dissect that every minute of every conversation to pose the question “Why am I with this person?” Then the reasons start to pile up, these logical reasons not against the person but more so on why a relationship would be inconvenient for them at that moment. Time is taken to devise the plan and then, BOOM, the calls.

Calls & Fallout

These usually end with “so we’re on the same page” after they beat around the bush on how things are changing for them but your relationship will remain in its current state or improve. Then, with the guise of everything being the same, the treatment changes noticeably. It’s as if you signed up for the “friend zone” (word to credit card scams); it’s a backdoor membership (not the sex variety). You were special and now you’re leavable. You’re lumped in with every other person they are cool with. Then your partner wants to understand how you feel (emotions, yes, emotions, no)  – meanwhile, they’re in a logical mindset (like a couch in Eddie Murphy‘s crib, fuck your feelings). They wedge an ultimatum – forget how cool and organic things where and still be as dope as you are but I’m going to be different – and keep it moving – cold. What was once organic is now manmade – where there was no pressure – a bloke can make diamonds and burst pipes.

Once the leavable person has any questions, the partner will entertain a few, not empathizing or really listen, they get frustrated because this grandiose exit-strategy they’ve developed is flawed. Then you get the punt (bye, have a good life and so on). It’s a weird, flakey end to something that had promise. This is the unfortunate end of something that could have grown and been awesome – keeping in mind that both parties, logically knew going into this that anything could happen, but it ends, for the sake of this example which is more from a budding relationship scenario, like a bad breakup. A false start here ( if yer counting: that’s two football references in this paragraph – woot!). Both parties have been somewhat vulnerable with each other and sharing in an organic budding friendship leaning to a relationship. No pressure. Now there’s nothing aside from an “it is what it is” scenario. Aren’t we more refined than that? Weak sauce.

Conclusion

One hates bringing a person that could mean something in their life, their world, their scene for them to get caught up in their own head and ruin it. It’s a disservice to the bond and it’s unrealistic to expect a person to be content with a watered-down version of what had been. Logic is very important but when emotions are involved its scientific, meticulous nature hinders things and questions are presented. Maybe before doing a bunch of soul-searching, have a genuine conversation with the person who’s potentially leavable before you start agreeing with yourself. You’ve made your mind up about a person but your reasons are minute at best – it comes off as being disingenuine. But hell, in the end, why would you care? In addition, why does one question where someone is at in their life? Fuck, makes you so great? Judge a person on whether they want to be better and are doing things to reach the plateau they are looking to reach instead of imprinting your views on them. Your views aren’t their views – by doing this you’re aligning yourself into a failing position each time. Everyone does not have the same path to get what they want.

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October 29

Mastermind Team’s Robcast 95 | Wacko Genius Thinks Trash Was Sexy

An episode where perceived deficits are discussed by the legendary duo, Rob Lee & Dann D.

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December 12

Mastermind Team’s Robcast 83 | Absentee Robcast with a Saltine Crumble & Mustard Reduction

Chopped: Struggle Meals
In a pinch…

Rob Lee and Young Rudo talk about the end of the world, Chopped: Struggle Meals, Rob’s Advice, Movie actor re-certifications, NFL and of course, the bitches.

Download Here!!!

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June 6

Robservations | 2

Cover of

Rob Lee is back to talk about twitter beef, Shaq retiring, non-personal behavior, X-Men: First Class and much more. Download Here

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