February 23

Catwoman and Blade Trinity | UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Neither of these films deserve a review. My intelligence was insulted watching both of them. One for being hot pile of shit (Catwoman) and the other killing their franchise due to ego (Blade 3).  There is much wrong in both of these films I do not known where to start. To hell with a summary, neither film deserves it.  I only put these films together because I thought it would be easier to shit on both of them equally.  Yes, I reviewed Steel but Steel at least had some heart to it and flair. These two films either tried too hard to be funny or was embarrassing to sit through. To me, these films never existed and it will remain that way.  So, let’s get this over with.

Catwoman……good god was this shit awful. I can make a 30 page list on everything wrong with this film (I really got to 27) but I’ll go to 10 to be nice.

  1. No Selina Kyle new character named Patience Phillips sigh
  2. Hallie Berry hasn’t the last time to stop taking CBM roles
  3. This fucking scene
  4. 2004 Sharron Stone as 2004 Sharron Stone
  5. The plot is stupid
  6. This the directors 2nd film his first was a flop and his name is Pitof
  7. This film took 11 years to make 11!!!!!!!!
  8. The CGI made Spawn look like fucking Avatar
  9. Each fight scene gave me a headache
  10. EVERYONE PLAYS A STEROTYPE

This literally the worst CBM of all time there’s redeemable about it. Even the music in this film makes me want to throw up. Burn this movie BURN IT TO THE GROUND and never let it comeback. Hallie Berry said it best accepting her Razzie for this film First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie… It was just what my career needed.” At least she’s a good sport.  Sidenote THIS was the 1st black female led CBM. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

 

Blade Trinity where I do begin with this film, oh wait I’ll let Patton Oswalt tell you instead.

 

Remember when I said Goyer is the problem 3 strikes and you screwed it all up Congratulations. Let’s play 10 list game

  1. Snipes is not the movie long at all
  2. Whistler will they won’t they ends with a pointless kill scene
  3. Dracula is in this and played by the boring one from prison break
  4. Ryan Reynolds ab libbbing jokes
  5. This line
  6. Jessica Biel being the only one who seems like she’s trying
  7. HHH licking dogs
  8. Parker Posey looks even more dead
  9. The action sucks
  10. What happened to the blood bank

Seriously what the hell happened here.  I never knew why Del Toro left after 2; I guess it was to direct Hellboy but man he was missed here.  David S Goyer has no business directing films and this film showed why. None of these actors wanted to be here. I will give it credit being the most enjoyable out of these 2 films but that is where line is drawn. Blade 3 had issues up and down from a narrative point to humans finally learning about vampire and it goes away with no resolution. This does not get and it shows.

 

Both films deserve a dumpster to put them in to never be seen again.  I am ready for the next film now.

 

 

 

 

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February 21

Blade 2, How to do a Sequel 101

Del Toro and Wesley Snipes what can go wrong? ok in production, Blade 2 looked like an uncertainty to happen. Four years after the first Blade with a director change and we have a sequel. In addition, this is the first sequel of a Marvel Property, another accomplishment for Wesley.  Bringing Del Toro in was a shot of life for the franchise as the visuals and overall tone of the film changed. The cast in this film was stellar with standout performances from Ron Pearlman, the returning Kris Kristofferson, Donnie Yen, Leonor Varela, and Luke Goss.  Luke in particular plays the main villain of this film, Jared Nomak. Nomak is a carrier of the reaper virus (a virus that turns vampires into zombies). Nomak was the 1st patient of the viruses due to the work of his father, Nomak’s path is due to the hate he has towards his family and virtually losing everything. He is easily the best villain I have covered so far and one of my comic book movie villains of all time.

Blade also has a fascinating story here too. Blade has to team with Vampires (a group known as the Bloodpack), led by Ron Pearlman’s Dieter Reinhardt in order to stop the reaper virus from killing off planet earth.  The Bloodpack is worried about what the reaper virus would do their kind. Blade is worried about the fate of humanity and the bigger picture of what this virus would to in general, thus, forming an unlikely alliance.

Right off the bat, I love this film. This film provides a very formula like sequel structure that the X-Men followed in their next installment but A LOT better than Blade same as Spiderman to a degree.  Blade added more to this world by incorporating the Reaper virus. The vampires also show range in the film. None of them trusts Blade and Blade does not trust them either, but they know what needs to done.  However, where the film falters is this relationship.

Where we should, had saw progression in how each side felt about the other, it resorted to the typical backstabbing/redemption arc in Act 3.  Which did lead to a kick-ass fight scene by Snipes. The fact Snipes and Yen did not fight in this a movie is a crime in itself. Back to the narrative of who and who not to trust, the films does a good job of showing of the Bloodpack members and their personalities. Not each of them were able to get in-depth with their characters, which is fine most of them were cannon fodder.  The side story between Whistler and Norman Reedus’s (Hi Darryl) Scud was not fascinating but it served its purpose here narrative wise.

Honestly, with a better writer this film would be a grand slam. David S Goyer really is the problem again. Del Toro did put a lot of work in this film and it shows.  This film did have allot going for it. The cast brought their A game, amazing villain, and Snipes being Snipes. Throw in some great action pieces and one-liners and you have Blade 2.  A blueprint on how to make sequels fun.  Side note: The soundtrack for this film is fun to listen too as well.

February 14

Blade | the Love Letter to Black Comic Nerds

Marvel must’ve saw Steel and laughed their asses off. Marvel was in a tough state around this time. Marvel was in financial problems, and it was selling their properties to different (a move they would soon be a blessing and curse for them). Wesley Snipes was hellbent on making a Black Panther film but due to preproduction, he decided to take on Blade instead, and thank you lord for this choice.

Blade IS the film that proved Marvel can create a blockbuster and it set up the future for Comic Book films. Blade started it all and helped right the ship in Comic Book Movies after the Batman films went downhill.  This movie can be summed up by one scene, the intro. The introduction to this is the best 10 minutes to a comic book film to date.  Seriously, the introduction to Blade is one of the best introductions to a Comic book character ever.  Blade in a brief description about Blade killing vampires, Blade is a half breed human and vampire sharing their strengths and weaknesses but also have enhanced abilities like being able to withstand sunlight. Blade being able to walk during the daytime, granted him the nickname Daywalker by his foes. Wesley Snipes was perfect for this role not do you see how much fun he is having in this film but how much he enjoy this character. In addition, the actions scenes were a blast with him whether by sword, shotgun, or hand to hand, Snipes was just kicking ass throughout the film.  For every good hero there has to be a strong villain, but I feel this was a misfire not on the actor’s behalf. Stephen Dorff plays Deacon Frost, a Vampire who strives for power. He was not born a Vampire, which did not give him a seat at the table, but he felt deserved one. Frost’s main objective in this film was to become La Magra, the vampire blood god and rid the world of humans.

Dorff does a good job doing a Modern take on Frost; the comic book portrayal was an elder German scientist. However, the writing team mostly David s Goyer (a guy you will hear brought up a few times in the Blade reviews) failed to really claw on his character and do some really goofy things. Perfect example is wearing a Motorcycle Helmet and gear to avoid the sunlight but in a later scene, he’s able to walk freely in the daylight (did he have on mad sunscreen??). Stuff like that goes against writing not the actors.  Speaking of the rest of the cast all the major players did great.  Kris Kristofferson plays Abraham Whistler, Blade’s mentor and the person who raised him to fight for good.  Whistler is in all 3 films (which really hurts the impact of one scene in this film), and plays a major part in the Franchise.  I enjoy Whistler as the wise cracking asshole who is not afraid to fight anyone and Kris does a great job here playing him as he do for the rest of the franchise.  N’Bushe Wright, who was drop dead gorgeous in this film, plays Karen Jensen, a Doctor hell-bent on finding the cure to end Vampires after a Vampire bit her. The most surprising and most awesome part about her character is the fact she was not the love interest in this film but someone with the same objective as Blade to stopping Vampires (TAKE NOTES ON THIS).  Ms. Wright does well here and it is a shame this was the last big role for her. Sanaa Lathan plays a very important role in this, but I will not further into that. I will say her role was underutilized and it could had played a bigger role here.

As much as I love this film, there are some problems.  The writing sometimes lacks logic in this realm and loses sight of the narrative.  How many times do we have to see Blade allow a Vampire to escape and cause more harm, one Vampire in particular at that.  The CGI is god awful to downright disturbing but those flaws get a pass because of how well the actors did their roles with what they had.  Blade is a blast to watch and a fun time. This felt like a film that could have failed but had people behind it that refuse to see that happen. This film saved Marvel big time and was the 1st to spawn a trilogy. X-Men and Spiderman will get the accolades but Blade opened the door.  The best way to describe to this film, “some motherfuckers always try ice skate uphill” (seriously how can anyone hate that line?)

 

 

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