February 23

Catwoman and Blade Trinity | UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Neither of these films deserve a review. My intelligence was insulted watching both of them. One for being hot pile of shit (Catwoman) and the other killing their franchise due to ego (Blade 3).  There is much wrong in both of these films I do not known where to start. To hell with a summary, neither film deserves it.  I only put these films together because I thought it would be easier to shit on both of them equally.  Yes, I reviewed Steel but Steel at least had some heart to it and flair. These two films either tried too hard to be funny or was embarrassing to sit through. To me, these films never existed and it will remain that way.  So, let’s get this over with.

Catwoman……good god was this shit awful. I can make a 30 page list on everything wrong with this film (I really got to 27) but I’ll go to 10 to be nice.

  1. No Selina Kyle new character named Patience Phillips sigh
  2. Hallie Berry hasn’t the last time to stop taking CBM roles
  3. This fucking scene
  4. 2004 Sharron Stone as 2004 Sharron Stone
  5. The plot is stupid
  6. This the directors 2nd film his first was a flop and his name is Pitof
  7. This film took 11 years to make 11!!!!!!!!
  8. The CGI made Spawn look like fucking Avatar
  9. Each fight scene gave me a headache
  10. EVERYONE PLAYS A STEROTYPE

This literally the worst CBM of all time there’s redeemable about it. Even the music in this film makes me want to throw up. Burn this movie BURN IT TO THE GROUND and never let it comeback. Hallie Berry said it best accepting her Razzie for this film First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie… It was just what my career needed.” At least she’s a good sport.  Sidenote THIS was the 1st black female led CBM. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

 

Blade Trinity where I do begin with this film, oh wait I’ll let Patton Oswalt tell you instead.

 

Remember when I said Goyer is the problem 3 strikes and you screwed it all up Congratulations. Let’s play 10 list game

  1. Snipes is not the movie long at all
  2. Whistler will they won’t they ends with a pointless kill scene
  3. Dracula is in this and played by the boring one from prison break
  4. Ryan Reynolds ab libbbing jokes
  5. This line
  6. Jessica Biel being the only one who seems like she’s trying
  7. HHH licking dogs
  8. Parker Posey looks even more dead
  9. The action sucks
  10. What happened to the blood bank

Seriously what the hell happened here.  I never knew why Del Toro left after 2; I guess it was to direct Hellboy but man he was missed here.  David S Goyer has no business directing films and this film showed why. None of these actors wanted to be here. I will give it credit being the most enjoyable out of these 2 films but that is where line is drawn. Blade 3 had issues up and down from a narrative point to humans finally learning about vampire and it goes away with no resolution. This does not get and it shows.

 

Both films deserve a dumpster to put them in to never be seen again.  I am ready for the next film now.

 

 

 

 

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February 12

Steel | Who greenlit this shit?

Congrats DC, you did it before Marvel but you played yourself.

This was rough like really rough, it took 6 tries to watch this and shockingly, this is not the worst on this list. Before Hollywood knew better Shaq kept getting starring movie roles.  Granted, Blue Chips is one of the best Basketball films to date and personally take a look (granted a melodramatic look) inside the NCAA. After taking his talents to Hollywood and leaving Orlando, Shaq was destined to follow up on role in Blue Chips with starring roles. First came Kazaam and thank god that doesn’t count; I would’ve threw my laptop.  Kazaam was a flop, but Hollywood did not listen and gave Shaq a DC comic property to work with in Steel.

Steel was never a huge character. In fact, he was a side character to Superman and eventually tried and failed to carry his mantle after Supes defeat to Doomsday. The character John Henry Irons (yes, his name is a pun) was the 1st black comic character to get a Hollywood blockbuster film not Black Lightning, not John Stewart’s Green Lantern, or even Static Shock ugghhhh damn you DC for this!!!!

The film changed certain aspects of his character instead of being a weapons engineer for the fictional AmerTek Industries like he was in the comics, he was a weapons engineer for the military in the film. Also, there is no Superman in this film and thank fucking god for that.  Shaq who plays Irons is discharged from the military due to how dangerous his weapons are and paralyzing one of his comrades in a practice run.  By the way, Shaq in a Military uniform is as ridiculous as it sounds.  Long story short, Shaq sees his weapons on the street and he goes under the guise of Steel to take the bad guys and get the weapons off the street. This film doesn’t deserve a breakdown, fuck that don’t see it. Don’t ask me to elaborate. Judd Nelson plays the villain and he’s just being himself here.  THIS FILM RUINED SHAFT FOR ME. Dammit Mr. Roundtree how could you?  Ray J was in this film as Shaq’s brother, son, nephew I don’t fucking know nor care, but I enjoyed him in this film. This film is bad on all levels and I’m ashamed it took me 6 tries to finish it. Don’t watch it, save yourself.

July 16

Geek Stuff | The SDCC Recap

If you’re like me than you too missed out on another amazing 4 days in San Diego as comics best and brightest celebrated and carried on without a care in the world. Fortunately for you, here is a breakdown of some of the major highlights from SDCC and what will be happening in the months/year to come. You can find all of the original postings on CBR and News-A-Rama.

Marvel Stuff
– Joe Kelly and Ed McGuinness are set to create Spider-Man/Deadpool. Debuting in fall of 2015, the book will team Spidey with Deadpool as they fight an unknown evil. While Marvel hasn’t specified if the series will be an ongoing or a miniseries (my money is on a mini) they have revealed that a “major surprise” is in store for people who pick up the 1st issue.
– Unbeatable Squirrel-Girl will carry over into the “All-New, All-Different” Marvel era with a new No. 1 issue (Yay?).
– Tim Seeley of Hack/Slash fame will join artist Logan Faerber to create a new Blade on-going series that will see the daywalking vampire slayer team up with his long lost daughter, Fallon Grey. You can check out an interview with Seeley and preliminary character art here. Marvel as Seeley tells reporters that Blade will not fight vampires in the new series and that Fallon is not a rip off of Buffy.
– Humberto Ramos is leaving Spider-Man to draw Extraordinary X-Men.
– For a closer look at Hasbro’s SDCC exclusives for Dr. Strange and Ant-Man go here. In less than 24 hours since Comic-Con concluded, both sets have made their way to eBay for upwards of $200 (I know, it makes me sick too).
– Marvel is planning to revisit their ‘What If?’ line of comics starting with Thanos and the Infinity event from 2013. The series will run for 5 issues and will explore new stories in the shape of the Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, Inhumans, and Norman Osborn. Joshua Williamson is set to write all 5 issues.
DC Stuff
– J. Michael Straczynski will write The Flash: Earth One. Slated for a 2016 release, JMS says that his story will focus on the Barry Allen Flash and that “it’s a very different take on the character”.
– Frank Miller will be providing cover art and some interior art for The Dark Knight 3: The Master Race. Andy Kubert and Klaus Janson are still set to pencil all 8 chapters of Miller’s grand finale to The Dark Knight Returns.
– If you love Steven Amell and everything going on with DC’s live action shows, check out live footage from “A Night of DC Entertainment” here.
– Dan Abnett and Paulo Siqueira will launch Titans Hunt on October 21st. The book is described as “the secret history of the Teen Titans” and will feature a never before seen team of super powered teens.
– Grant Morrison revealed that he will be returning to Batman: Black and White with “big name talent” providing art. Morrison will also return to the world(s) of The Multiversity with ‘The Multiversity Too’. Be on the lookout for my article entitled “Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Read the Multiversity Too” in the near future.
– At the DC Upstarts panel, it was revealed that the forthcoming arc of Grayson “returns Dick to the DCU at large” with issue #12 sending him back to Gotham.
– Tim Kring revealed the official trailer for Heroes: Reborn and it’s absolutely amazing. Watch it several hundred times here.
– DC revealed their upcoming line of action figures. You can check out the first images here. Figures include characters from: Arrow, The Flash, Batman vs Superman, Arkham Knight and the Snyder/Capullo Joker amongst others.

Indy Published Stuff
– It was revealed at the Kodansha Comics panel that Tony Moore (original artist of The Walking Dead) will art a variant cover for Vol. 16 of Attack on Titan. You can check out the artwork itself and a closer look at the deck of playing cards that will accompany the special edition of Vol. 16 right here.
– Both Grant Morrison and Stan Lee are elated to bring their latest independent creations to Humble Bundle. Both creations will run under the “pay what you like” method, however, if buyers pay above the average amount they will also receive Stan Lee’s ‘Chakra The Invincible’ #1-8, ‘Chakra The Invincible Short Stories,’ ‘Deepak Chopra’s Buddha: A Tale of Enlightenment’ #1-6 and ‘Black Tiger’ #1. For those willing to pay $15 or more, Grant Morrison’s ‘Avatarex’ Chapter 1, ‘18 Days’ #1-10, and ‘18 Days: The Illustrated Hardcover Scriptbook’ will also be included in the bundle.
– As a special incentive for all their loyal fans who couldn’t make it to Comic-Con, Lootcrate has put one of their 2 SDCC exclusive crates on sale. Supplies are limited so you better act fast! Click here to find out how you can get one for yourself.

Other Awesome SDCC Related Stuff
Here are some links to other epic things that happened at SDCC 2015.
The Walking Dead season 6 trailer and details
Agents of Shield on Secret Warriors and the upcoming season
Jenna Coleman discusses season 9 of Doctor Who
Spider-Man and his amazing friends won’t quit

And just like that, it’s all over (again) until next year. Time to start plotting and scheming for SDCC 2016! Be sure to check back next week for all new updates, stories and events.

  • Dann D. 

@kidgetnice on twitter & Instagram

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October 7

Geek Stuff | 001

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Dann D provides his unique perspective on Gotham, Comic Solicitations and other stories accross the multiverse.

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