May 29

Dating, Hookups and Ex-cess

Image/Flickr

How’s it going gang? I usually stick to the podcasting and schtick, but when I write something it’s safe to say that I’ve got something on my mind. Something that is grinding my gears. The following will describe things I’ve been dealing with over the last two years.

 

Dating

 

I am single. I’m a non-monogamous man. In that lack of monogamy I’ve discovered so much about myself as far as sexuality, communication and event how I think. This has been a great adventure to learn more about myself. I like facets of entertaining multiple women and/or spending the majority of my time with one. In dating, I’m more picky as to who’s worth my time or energy, whereas before, I someone liked me, in many instances, I felt like it’s impolite to not date them. Idiot.

 

I don’t have that fear of monogamy. During the aforementioned period, I’ve considered dating, honestly venturing back into monogamy with a few women. I actually dated one and it was cool. She moved to another country and I was fine with that. It was more of a clean break and I didn’t feel like I was left “holding the bag”. Yes, I compared breakups to bank robberies here. Someone, whether it’s divorce or a relationship ending, is spending more unjustly.

 

As I said before I learned a lot. Some through self discovery and some through therapy. I know I was profoundly influenced how people perceived me. Overly image conscious and tried to give people version of me I thought they wanted. That prevented me from connecting. Now I’m more of a take or leave kind of lad. I know I’m not the most emotionally open individual, so if that’s what a woman wants from me she’ll have to be around for a while. I’m not an open-book but I am thoughtful, empathetic and a genuine man. I try to practice the approach of “non-bullshit” and “neutrality” when it comes to sticky situations like dating and hookups. I’ve also get into my more adventurous side, my creative side and being more confident. I’ve developed an interest in bondage. I write more (I’m unsure if I’ve gotten better at it). I can confidently say I’m the shit – insofar, I am more body positive when it comes to myself. I used to have some much shame on by body from being overweight to how big my cock is. This period of being single allowed me to meet me. I like me, he’s a cook sumbitch.

 

Hookups

 

Segue, motherfucker, Segue. We live in a hookup culture. I am late to this as I was a monogamous man for about 10 years. I was that guy who did everything for his girlfriend. I put the pussy on a pedestal instead of the chainwax. Ha. I lived in a symbiotic relationship and was happy with it. Never cheated nor had many arguments. Each relationship resulted in me having a broken heart after being cheated on.

 

Once I discovered hookups as a supplement to dating, I’ve developed a preference for it. Not in a typical, “of course you would, all men love sex”. It’s moreso a position of variety. I want to develop meaningful relationships – yes, hookups are a form of a relationship. It’s a mutual thing for both or multiple parties that has to be managed much like a traditional “relationship” relationship.

 

Hookups does have pitfalls because feelings can and will get involved. Hookups, also, are a “relationship at will” to the fullest degree. I think all relationships are at will but hookup oriented relationship lack the connection which allow them to be easily moved on from. Hookups are a confidence booster at times. I’ve gotten some of the most interesting, albeit possibly disingenuous compliments, about my “sex game” than I ever got in my longest relationship. Which brings me to…

 

Ex-cess

 

I call this “Ex-ces” because one must experience the cessation of talking, communicating or attempting to be friends with your ex. I’ve made this mistake. I know it’s something that we’re conditioned to not do and I shouldn’t have done it but as I said earlier I had to learn things on my own. Further, I am a motherfucking rebel. So, I didn’t talk to my last ex for the better part of a year. She moved away, we tried a LTR but it failed when she cheated. She, or which I learned recently her current boyfriend, would send me little mean, childish messages challenging my manhood and such. It bugged me but I ignored them. Until one day, recently, she contacted me with the desire to talk and absolve herself of guilt. She told me things that I knew and I forgave her.

Actually, I forgave her once she revealed she cheated. I don’t hold grudges for decisions someone makes even when it hurts me. It pissed me off, hurt me but I didn’t hate her. She appeared to not have much faith in her relationship and would talk to me. She claimed to have missed that. I obliged because honestly it was good to talk to her. As we’re talking it seems that we could manage an actual friendship. There were no hard feelings and we determined that distanced fucked our relationship up. They there’d be periods where she’d use her boyfriend as her out. She’s want to restrict conversation because her boyfriend, who seems very insecure, would catch feelings.

Yesterday, we chatted about the idea of seeing each other this Summer, nothing nefarious, maybe grab lunch. She was down for the idea and seemed happy that I’d even do it. Then hours later, “I can’t see you, don’t come, it wouldn’t be right.” Her rationale seemed so codependent and looking for the approval of this dude. I attempted to appeal to her logically but eventually I gave up with a “fine”. I had no juice for it. I was reserved to the idea of seeing her, not to win her heart back. I wonder what her intentions were. Would she want me to try that? Where her intentions impure? Who knows? But this scenario has taught me to cease talking. What’s the point?

 

If you took anything out of this message here, reply back and I’d love to know your thoughts.

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December 8

The Man You Need, The Douche Bag You Deserve

Riddle me this:

Who has the dating qualities you are looking for but you’ll never consider dating? Give up? The same blokes you’ve or many women have described as lame, creepy or thirsty – when the dude is not. Honestly, there are guys out there that get the unjust, generalization as every douche bag or asshat that has come to a girl looking to “chill” under the guise of genuinely getting to know a girl. While women want to be snowflakes (everyone is different). Many guy are foul – no personality, no goals, tons of lies and other bullshit and women have their guard up.

Where’s the cautious optimism?

Some guy believe treating dames like free throws ( they’re easy and you gotta know ’em down). However, Every guy isn’t this way – some like making half-court circus shots (I prefer the bank shot – the good old bank shot). I’ve been treating like a common foul, dude even before a conversation. It makes me not interesting but the belief is ” you stopped talking to me because I’m not going to have sex with you” (not true, honestly it’s not), “No, I stopped talking to you because there’s nothing to gain from you and the fact that you marginalizaed me furthers that asessment.” Women are terrible for this – this guilt driven ” like me only, under my terms” thing. Tangent aside: some guys are social awkward based in conditioning – by that: these guys are being themselves and the reciprocation is negative conditioning (i.e. no dates, no interest, bad dates and the belief that they’re somehow not “good enough”.
The irony is, women, for the sake of this submission, online dating women, want a good guy that’s genuinely interested in cultivating a real connection. I welcome that. There’s nothing better, for this guy, Good Ol’ Rob Lee, than learning about new things, people and places ( clearly, I like new nouns?).

The Macho Madness

For me it’s a vetting process too (hold on, urgh – there’s levels to this shit? and a method to my Macho

Domino mask

madness). I believe in the “what makes you so great” approach and having the text exchanges ( not the “wyd” horseshit), the phone conversations and the (the ones’s where you forget what time it is because the conversation is engrossing) and actual dates ( no me spending a grip for a faked up, narcism session) gives me that. It should give anyone that.
Doesn’t that have to be both ways? I’ve been inundated with women who want me to like all of there “splendid” personality – their quirks and so on. That’s fine but don’t try so hard to be quirky. That appears to be mask-ish, less Nolan Bane and more Robin domino mask (your mouth is running with possible lies, propagranda but I rather be looking into your eyes for the truth – the eyes are the gateway to the soul). Simply put: some women I’ve met are so into themselves, their narrative ( the one that’s written by, starring, choreographed and with a special appearance from themselves) that the guy they claim to want ( charming, has something going for them, attractive maybe a bit aloof/socially awkward) doesn’t have a chance. For instance: I get loads of “check out my instagram and you’ll see my journey” ( REALLY, you have time for me between galavanting and evading the paparazo) when I’m engaged in a conversation. Firstly, if I’m conversing with you, it means I WANT TO TALK TO YOU – I don’t want a referral to you’re selfies. I’m genuinely be interested in what you’re about ( goals, interests aspirations) but don’t refer me to you getting “turnt up” or wearing glasses and holding a PS3 controller with the caption, “nerd girl gaming”. That’s you’re online persona and Piss off! On the converse, I have a blog, a podcast and other interests (never said there great or even worthwhile) but the response is “what do you record in your mom’s basement?” and my retort should be “no, I record in YOUR mom’s basement”. I don’t like the typical treatment. Or the why are you this way on you’re podcast – you seem so…ba-ba-ba-bu-ba (whatever)? I’ve been hit with it and I punt (move the fuck on) That’s what these blokes are relegated to – lip services and getting to know someone instead of making a connection. Is that the intent or is it a give and take in this information sharing scenario?

Every dude isn’t a douch bag

Every guy isn’t EVERY guy. There’s terrible men and women in the dating scene. I think men are more OK on the surface with their shit ( the lies, womanizing and being horrible) and also are more logical insofar as there’s good women who exist ( they’re not necessary looking for them – they’re looking for free throws) but women try and rationalize and eddify themselves (I’m a princess, diva and so on while that’s setting themselves up to encounter Joe Douchbag and they’ll view the, admittedly Social awkard guy, through a douchbag prism – “OMG, why are men so terrible?”. No, no, no you’re terrible too. Let’s be terrible together, since the perception is there’s no “good guys out there”. Your vetting process is for shit and that skews what you get. You hunt, what you can catch ( RIP Patrice O’Neal). If you’re type A personality – why would you go after B’s ( going after bitches…yeah….no!). Work on you’re vetting and you’ll, man or woman, find someone as awesome (narcissistic) as you instagram illustrates.

RL

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