How’s it going, gang? I usually stick to the podcasting and schtick, but when I write something it’s safe to say that I’ve got something on my mind. Something that is grinding my gears. The following will describe things I’ve been dealing with over the last two years.
I am single. I’m a non-monogamous man. In that lack of monogamy, I’ve discovered so much about myself as far as sexuality, communication, and event how I think. This has been a great adventure to learn more about myself. I like facets of entertaining multiple women and/or spending the majority of my time with one. In dating, I’m more picky as to who’s worth my time or energy, whereas before, I someone like me, in many instances, I felt like it’s impolite to not date them. Idiot.
I don’t have that fear of monogamy. During the aforementioned period, I’ve considered dating, honestly venturing back into monogamy with a few women. I actually dated one and it was cool. She moved to another country and I was fine with that. It was more of a clean break and I didn’t feel like I was left “holding the bag”. Yes, I compared breakups to bank robberies here. Someone, whether it’s divorce or a relationship ending, is spending more unjustly.
As I said before I learned a lot. Some through self-discovery and some through therapy. I know I was profoundly influenced by how people perceived me. Overly image conscious and tried to give people version of me I thought they wanted. That prevented me from connecting. Now I’m more of a take or leave kind of lad. I know I’m not the most emotionally open individual, so if that’s what a woman wants from me she’ll have to be around for a while. I’m not an open book but I am thoughtful, empathetic and a genuine man. I try to practice the approach of “non-bullshit” and “neutrality” when it comes to sticky situations like dating and hookups. I’ve also got into my more adventurous side, my creative side and being more confident. I’ve developed an interest in bondage. I write more (I’m unsure if I’ve gotten better at it). I can confidently say I’m the shit – insofar, I am more body positive when it comes to myself. I used to have some much shame on my body from being overweight to how big my cock is. This period of being single allowed me to meet me. I like me, he’s a cook sumbitch.
Segue, motherfucker, Segue. We live in a hookup culture. I am late to this as I was a monogamous man for about 10 years. I was that guy who did everything for his girlfriend. I put the pussy on a pedestal instead of the chain wax. Ha. I lived in a symbiotic relationship and was happy with it. Never cheated nor had many arguments. Each relationship resulted in me having a broken heart after being cheated on.
Once I discovered hookups as a supplement to dating, I’ve developed a preference for it. Not in a typical, “of course you would, all men love sex”. It’s moreso a position of variety. I want to develop meaningful relationships – yes, hookups are a form of a relationship. It’s a mutual thing for both or multiple parties that have to be managed much like a traditional “relationship” relationship.
Hookups do have pitfalls because feelings can and will get involved. Hookups, also, are a “relationship at will” to the fullest degree. I think all relationships are at will but hookup oriented relationship lacks the connection which allows them to be easily moved on from. Hookups are a confidence booster at times. I’ve gotten some of the most interesting, albeit possibly disingenuous compliments, about my “sex game” than I ever got in my longest relationship. Which brings me to…
I call this “Ex-cess” because one must experience the cessation of talking, communicating or attempting to be friends with your ex. I’ve made this mistake. I know it’s something that we’re conditioned to not do and I shouldn’t have done it but as I said earlier I had to learn things on my own. Further, I am a motherfucking rebel. So, I didn’t talk to my last ex for the better part of a year. She moved away, we tried and LTR but it failed when she cheated. She, or which I learned recently her current boyfriend, would send me little mean, childish messages challenging my manhood and such. It bugged me but I ignored them. Until one day, recently, she contacted me with the desire to talk and absolve herself of guilt. She told me things that I knew and I forgave her.
Actually, I forgave her once she revealed she cheated. I don’t hold grudges for decisions someone makes even when it hurts me. It pissed me off, hurt me but I didn’t hate her. She appeared to not have much faith in her relationship and would talk to me. She claimed to have missed that. I obliged because honestl,y it was good to talk to her. As we’re talking it seems that we could manage an actual friendship. There were no hard feelings and we determined that distanced fucked our relationship up. They there’d be periods where she’d use her boyfriend as her out. She’s want to restrict conversation because her boyfriend, who seems very insecure, would catch feelings.
Yesterday, we chatted about the idea of seeing each other this Summer, nothing nefarious, maybe grab lunch. She was down for the idea and seemed happy that I’d even do it. Then hours later, “I can’t see you, don’t come, it wouldn’t be right.” Her rationale seemed so codependent and looking for the approval of this dude. I attempted to appeal to her logically but eventuall,y I gave up with a “fine”. I had no juice for it. I was reserved to the idea of seeing her, not to win her heart back. I wonder what her intentions were. Would she want me to try that? Where her intentions impure? Who knows? But this scenario has taught me to cease talking. What’s the point?
If you took anything out of this message here, reply back and I’d love to know your thoughts.